So, one Friday night, I walked out of my office for the last time (just moving branches). I'm usually good with changes, but this change was different. The changes at work were good, but they brought about other thoughts and feelings that added to the feelings of my world falling apart. Everything was up in the air and I didn't feel like I had much purpose or control. I had made plans for the weekend, and it was already looking like things wouldn't happen. Again, going back to not enough hours in the day. Between that and guilty feelings of needing to be an adult, I was getting more and more frustrated. As the night wore on, trying to focus on math homework (ya right!), the more and more I felt like I really needed to still carry out the plans. The plans were to go for a drive and see some specific places in Southern Utah/Northern Arizona. It was an all or nothing trip. 7 hours or not at all. I just couldn't shake the overwhelming prompting of needing to do something for myself, just because I wanted to.
I had planned out the route of where and when I would be at certain places. As we all know, things don't always go according to plans. I made a few stops before I reached my planned destination. I went wherever I wanted, just because I wanted to. I stopped at one of the Lake Powell overlooks, the Glen Canyon Dam overlook, and of course, food and bathroom stops. When I got to the main place that I had planned, Horseshoe Bend, I was disappointed to see a lot of cars. I figured there would be some people there because it was pretty good weather and a Saturday, but I didn't expect as many people as there were. But, I packed up my bag and headed up the trail, looking forward to seeing something I had wanted to for awhile. I was also seeking something else. Peace. Healing. Something bigger than myself. When I got to the edge, and could see one of Mother Nature's great wonders, all the people around me didn't matter. I had arrived. I took several pictures, then found a place near the edge where most of the people weren't. I sat down and read 4 Nephi. It wasn't even something in the chapter, and it wasn't even a moment of peace. BUT, it was a moment of a PROMISE of peace. There were moments of hope. Moments where the world wasn't falling apart.
I was reminded of a talk given by Sister Wendy Watson Nelson. She talked about turning corners and moving on. She said when we are driving and we turn a corner, we can no longer see what is behind us, only in front of us. At this junction in my life, I am turning a corner and rather than worrying about what I did or didn't do right, I am focusing on what I can do right from now on. When I was at Horseshoe Bend, I found a rock. Being a once upon a time athlete, I knew I would be able to throw the rock pretty far, hoping to get it to the river. Don't judge, I have horrible eye sight and even worse depth perception. So I found a rock a little larger than softball size and said a little prayer. I put all the negative feelings into that rock. All the negative feelings towards myself, towards others, all the frustration, all the hurt of the last several months. And then, I set up and threw it as far and as hard as I could. I watched it fall slowly to the earth and hoping to see it hit water, or more realistically hit rock, I lost where the rock went. And it was a great thing! It meant I could no longer see, feel or find that rock and by association, the feelings that were attached to that rock. It felt like a huge burden was lifted from my shoulders.
I walked away feeling like a new person. I have had such disappointment with myself, anger and hurt monopolizing my life lately, that it was a very different feeling to not have those clouds looming over me. I had given everything to the Savior, and let it go. I trusted in Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father, to allow them to take away the hurt. I trusted that I could move on.
The world is not falling apart, as long as I continue to cling to the promise of peace.
Here are a few pictures of the trip....
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